I Come By It Honestly

I read a book once on birth order and how that shapes who you are. Well, ok, I didn’t read the whole book; I skimmed it – focusing more on the parts that I thought related to me. But I’ve still got it and may someday read the entire thing. It was an interesting read. What I read of it.

I am the fourth of five children. The first three children (two brothers and a sister) were all two years apart. Seven years later, I came along; and seven years later, my little sister came along. So, it came as little surprise to me that the author stated when there are five years or more between siblings, children grow up basically as only children. Without the closeness in years and the shared experience, there is little to bond the later child(ren) to the older one(s).

We lived in “the country” until I was about nine - as opposed to my peers who grew up “in town” (town being a population of about 1,800 inhabiting about 100 blocks). Shortly after my little sister was born we did move to town, but my personality was pretty much formed by then. It’s funny how light bulbs go off in your head when you least expect them. Yesterday on my morning stroll – excited over discovering a black butterfly I’d never captured before and quite literally stumbling upon a social goldfinch munching on a dried sunflower – I thought about my childhood.

We didn’t have a lot of money back then and material things didn’t come easily, so toys weren’t a big option. Let’s just say I was left to my own resources a lot to provide entertainment. We lived on a farm, although others farmed the land, so I didn’t have chores. We didn’t have pets because, well, I’m not sure why we didn’t have pets; but they weren’t an option as entertainment. What I was left with was a lot of time and an imagination. I wandered the farmland and the fields and the back roads – always alone (this was before the days of child abduction) - wishing I was anywhere but where I was. This prompted me to daydream a lot ~ beaming myself to faraway places and imagining myself as someone famous – someone in the spotlight – someone talented and special and beloved by all. In retrospect I can see that was a cry (if only in my own mind) for attention. I did, after all, spend an inordinate amount of time alone. And my parents were of the generation who believed that it was a disservice to praise a child for anything, lest that child get “a big head.”

So now – in the present - as I start each day with my three constant companions – my dog, my camera and my imagination – I’m in my comfort zone. When I had my little epiphany yesterday I realized that my childhood – good or bad – truly did shape who I am today. I’m not a huge “people person.” I enjoy people, but I don’t need to be around them all the time (or even much of the time) to feel complete and content. I have – as someone once said – a lot of inner resources. I’m good at entertaining myself; but I am lacking at times in social situations (although marrying Mr. Gregarious has helped me progress on that score). I’m seldom bored. I sometimes appear aloof. And maybe I am. I have so many interests I could live three lifetimes and never accomplish all that I want to accomplish.

But there’s still one nagging hangover from childhood. This – what I do – write and capture images – is probably still that lonely little girl seeking approval. I have heard that the one thing people all have in common is the need to be validated. To know that what they do is important and meaningful and good. So the shy country girl hides behind her pen and her lens and hopes that someone will notice her.

But not too much. Or she’ll retreat even farther behind them. And daydream of being anywhere else.

A Child of Nature

Remember how Phil Collins could feel it comin’ in the air tonight? Well, I definitely feel it comin’ in the air in the morning. When I hit the trail early in the morning lately, it’s a little cooler ~ which is a tremendous relief seeing as how this has been one hot summer. I’m noticing the usually lackadaisical Canada geese taking a few more practice runs each day at sunrise. In fact there’s a bit more early morning activity in the park in general; the blue herons are making an appearance again; some sort of white cranes or egrets hung around for a couple of days and then disappeared; even the gulls are circling more. Everyone seems to be waking up and preparing for the next chapter.

So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I have woken up the last couple of days with an unexplained restlessness. I have felt an almost physical pull to the mountains. I smiled when I realized that it is my natural migratory path as sure as the geese have theirs.

We have never intentionally put off our “summer” trip to the mountains until September or October, but it has just happened that way the past few years. Summers in the Rockies can be congested ~ Midwesterners consider Colorado prime vacation territory. And as hot as our summers have been on the plains, they are also getting warmer in the mountains. I moved to Colorado 33 years ago specifically to be closer to the mountains. So when Autumn rolls around I do feel an irresistible urge to lose myself (not literally) in their majesty. The crowds are fewer, the scenery more mellow as the aspens begin to gently paint their golden canvases.

A couple more summer obligations to put behind me and I’m in that Jeep headed west. And I can’t wait. Because for the first time I really see my role in the whole Nature scheme of things. I truly am a child of Nature.

Who knew?

Playing With Fire

“You’re playing with fire, you know.”

She didn’t want to hear it. She looked for anything to focus on besides his face.

“It’s a crap shoot. It’s Russian roulette. It’s like DeeDee smoking. Once it’s gone – it’s gone - and it's all over.” His voice was steady and serious.

“I know.”

This room was far too small. Where was the door? Because she needed to exit stage left like NOW.

"It's nothing you did; it's not your fault. But you do need to wake up."

Where is that damn door????

Denial – as they say – is not just a river in Egypt. It’s a really lovely little fantasy land where one can get lost for days – months – years. There are no rules in Denial; there are no guidelines by which to live. It’s a five star resort with no spending limit. It’s no responsibility (what an ugly word), no cares, no worries.

But Truth will find you. There really is no escaping Truth; it will find you. It knows your name, it has your number and it will hunt you down mercilessly. It carries the book of what is real ~ the facts, the things you can’t deny; and it will whack you over the head with it. Because some things are beyond our control; Truth holds the ultimate power. It will back you up against the wall, holding your arm up against that rigid back until you scream Uncle so loud they can hear you on the moon.

If Guilt is a Vampire, then Truth must be an angel. In disguise. Truth can take on any form and speak in any tongue.

Who knew mine would have a southern accent?

Ok, I give. I think. I hope. I pray.

Uncle.

Hello Goodbye

It’s been one of those days when I feel as though I’m just spinning my wheels. By 3:00 I decided the hell with it – and just kick back and admitted I probably wasn’t going to accomplish anything grand today. And I’m not going to feel guilty ~ until later tonight I’m sure.

I hate reading manuals, so of course, my new 3D (yup, I did it) is sitting on my desk, with the unopened manual. I took the camera out for a spin this morning - with the factory settings – and now I have to spend some time personalizing my new baby. The shots were ok, but I know they are meant to be SO much better.

My original XT froze on me in early July – was sent in for repair and came back in time for the wedding. She made it thru the wedding as my back-up camera (thank god) and froze up again a week later. Long story short – I was able to trade her in and upgrade for a pretty good deal. So now Big Sister and I are getting acquainted. I still have the mister’s XT as a back-up (pictured here), but Ms. Big will be my primary.

My fellow photographers will understand that I had to have a moment with my XT yesterday as the trade was being made. The Best Buy boy (a non-photographer obviously) stopped short of rolling his eyes as I said goodbye to this little piece of plastic and metal. My XT was my first DSLR and brought me full-force into the world of photography. She taught me volumes. She traveled with me to distant ports and captured moments I’ll treasure for a lifetime. She was my constant companion for more than 2 years. She walked with me every single day. I guess it's only right that her last hurrah was to photograph my son and daughter in love's wedding ~ one of the highest highlights of my life. We got thru it together. I really would have like to have kept her just for sentimental reasons, but practicality took over and by saying goodbye I was able to save a few dollars and take a big step forward.

I guess it’s time to make new memories with Ms. Big and move into the future…

but i'll never forget my first little Canon girl.

Guilt is a Vampire

For all my brave talk about kicking Mr. Guilt’s behind right out my soul’s door, I can’t stop him from doing one thing ~~ creeping in the back door of my dreams. So, of course, just as I’m feeling I might be in control, he makes an appearance early this morning to prove me wrong. Guilt noshes literally on the remains of ice cream (well, sherbet) smiles at the end of the day. Guilt is a vampire – he feeds on the darkness, sucks you dry and scampers away at first light. Coward.

But yet I let him wield his nasty power in the wee hours of the morning. He crawls in my brain and scratches around until my eyes flutter and my body rolls back and forth, back and forth fighting to return to the sleep that will taunt me all day. In the end he almost always wins and I’m left tormented and exhausted – facing another day with the anger, the guilt and the need for a nap. Which I will never take because I feel guilty when I do.

One of my mantras is “Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” Easy enough to at least attempt to follow in my waking hours; but when caught off guard while sleeping… I’m not strong enough to live it.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all about faith ~ about trusting that higher power to be there for me. To back me up and face down this Vampire Guilt in the Darkness. Maybe this struggle with Anger and Guilt and lack of Self Discipline is all one big test. But then that’s a whole other conversation.

For now I just want to be able to sleep. I think Guilt is whipping Self-Discipline’s ass. Guilt is loving it and Anger’s over in the corner just snickering while waiting his turn.

The Surpise That is This Life

I’m crawling out of the pool of guilt – I did my laps quite early this morning and have earned a night off - poolside with a glass of vino and a few reflections. It was a day spent playing with wedding photos; an evening with the 6th season of the Gilmore Girls (Susan if you are reading this - stop gagging), a glass of wine and good ol’ comfort food – jalapeno havarti grilled sandwich and I’m good. And happy.

A day all to myself to do whatever I want. Which most of my days could be, it’s just that guilt thing and that Midwestern work ethic thing that keep that from happening. I’m thinking my days could be a lot happier without the guilt and the self-imposed expectations. And taking a cue from my friend, Jaki – an incredible spirit, a 4 year breast cancer survivor – every day is a gift and is meant to be lived.

So on that inspirational note, I’m reflecting on the past week. It’s interesting what graduations, weddings and funerals bring about. They bring people together in a reminiscent way – restoring the past, if only momentarily. And introduce us to people we have known but have lost touch with, seeing them thru new eyes. Sometimes really wonderful surprises land on your heart and make you smile.

I’m sending a wink and a hug to Canada. Who knew?

Waterlogged

I’ve been swimming laps in this pool of emotion for months now and I’m exhausted. My heart and my head working at times in concert; but more often than not, against each other.

Wanting to put the past behind me but turning to hear it knocking on my door ~ it follows me whether I want it to or not. I can’t escape decisions I’ve made, actions I’ve taken and now, in retrospect, how that has affected more than just me. When I start going down for the count in that sea of regret these words act as my life preserver ~ “When you knew better; you did better.” Everyone makes mistakes ~ some of us just make bigger ones than others.

Awhile back I wrote about “letting go.” In that case I was referring to letting go of anger; now I need to let go of guilt. Things I should have done; action (or inaction) that has disappointed others; and the mother of all guilt ~ the masterful art of brow-beating. Guilt is the most useless of all emotions ~ it most often applies to events that have passed; and there really is very little one can do to go back in time and change something that has already happened. We don’t live in “back to the future.”

I want to stop wallowing in that swamp that is guilt. Those waters will suck you down and drain your life’s energy if you let them. A cocktail a day of self-loathing mixed with a shot of self-pity can poison your soul.

It stops now. Because the only one that can save me is… me.