Guilt is a Vampire

For all my brave talk about kicking Mr. Guilt’s behind right out my soul’s door, I can’t stop him from doing one thing ~~ creeping in the back door of my dreams. So, of course, just as I’m feeling I might be in control, he makes an appearance early this morning to prove me wrong. Guilt noshes literally on the remains of ice cream (well, sherbet) smiles at the end of the day. Guilt is a vampire – he feeds on the darkness, sucks you dry and scampers away at first light. Coward.

But yet I let him wield his nasty power in the wee hours of the morning. He crawls in my brain and scratches around until my eyes flutter and my body rolls back and forth, back and forth fighting to return to the sleep that will taunt me all day. In the end he almost always wins and I’m left tormented and exhausted – facing another day with the anger, the guilt and the need for a nap. Which I will never take because I feel guilty when I do.

One of my mantras is “Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” Easy enough to at least attempt to follow in my waking hours; but when caught off guard while sleeping… I’m not strong enough to live it.
Sometimes I wonder if this is all about faith ~ about trusting that higher power to be there for me. To back me up and face down this Vampire Guilt in the Darkness. Maybe this struggle with Anger and Guilt and lack of Self Discipline is all one big test. But then that’s a whole other conversation.

For now I just want to be able to sleep. I think Guilt is whipping Self-Discipline’s ass. Guilt is loving it and Anger’s over in the corner just snickering while waiting his turn.