Waterlogged

I’ve been swimming laps in this pool of emotion for months now and I’m exhausted. My heart and my head working at times in concert; but more often than not, against each other.

Wanting to put the past behind me but turning to hear it knocking on my door ~ it follows me whether I want it to or not. I can’t escape decisions I’ve made, actions I’ve taken and now, in retrospect, how that has affected more than just me. When I start going down for the count in that sea of regret these words act as my life preserver ~ “When you knew better; you did better.” Everyone makes mistakes ~ some of us just make bigger ones than others.

Awhile back I wrote about “letting go.” In that case I was referring to letting go of anger; now I need to let go of guilt. Things I should have done; action (or inaction) that has disappointed others; and the mother of all guilt ~ the masterful art of brow-beating. Guilt is the most useless of all emotions ~ it most often applies to events that have passed; and there really is very little one can do to go back in time and change something that has already happened. We don’t live in “back to the future.”

I want to stop wallowing in that swamp that is guilt. Those waters will suck you down and drain your life’s energy if you let them. A cocktail a day of self-loathing mixed with a shot of self-pity can poison your soul.

It stops now. Because the only one that can save me is… me.