The Tap on the Shoulder Thing

Yesterday I fulfilled a life-long dream – to publish a book. Although I don’t know if self-publishing really qualifies as “being published,” as anyone can do it. It doesn’t mean that you’re good or anything; it just means you know how to connect the dots in the online software and declare yourself a published author.

Still, there is a sense of accomplishment and I am just beside myself waiting to hold that little book, that little piece of me in my hands. I even splurged for two day shipping – which is something for me, ‘cause I’m pretty cheap when it comes to things like that. And I never imagined the book would be a story told thru the “eyes” of flowers. In fact, there was no story at all until I started putting the flowers on the pages and realized that because of the titles I had chosen for the flowers over the years, a story was evolving. I typically assign a title to an image on a whim ~ whatever emotion the image is evoking from me that particular day ~~ what it is saying to me. Or more likely, a reflection of the mood I’m in that particular day. And what’s really weird is that when I started stringing these floral images together and seeing a story evolve I saw a little of myself in the story. In fact when I did my last review before hitting that “publish now” button, I actually got a little choked up and realized this is kind of autobiographical.

And I guess that makes sense. I mean, I took the photographs ~ my eye was attracted to a flower on a certain day, in a certain way and I liked it enough to snap. The title I gave it reflected some emotion I was feeling at the time. So I guess when I string them together it’s not unusual that the story would be mine as well.

I’ve already started my second and third books. Yup, now that it’s possible to actually do this, all the stored up stories and images in this 53 year old head are pushing and shoving and scrambling their way to the front of the line to be next. The possibilities make me dizzy. And in what has otherwise been one rough and complicated week the hope of things to come is the reason I’ve gotten out of bed every morning. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Which reminds me and on an unrelated note - feeling angry and frustrated and confused the other day, I hit the park for a hike. At one point I sat on a lonely pier and looked to the blue, blue sky and whispered, “I need a sign. I need to know you’re here.” Almost instantaneously and out of nowhere, a flock of white gulls appeared in the eastern sky, miles up, slowly flying in circles and slowly making their way toward me. They stopped and circled over my head for a minute, then disappeared as quickly as they had arrived.


I burst into tears. Whoever is out there looking out for me wanted me to know I’m not alone.

I found great comfort in that. Not to mention awe.

Amazing grace.

Grey Skies

The day is drawing to a close, the sky is getting a 5:00 shade of grey (darker than the grey it was at 9:00 and noon and 3:00) and I’m trying to keep my eyes open. I realize that I’ve done nothing productive all day. I’ve emailed friends and family; played with a couple of photos; flickred a little; glanced at television occasionally. But I’ve done absolutely nothing productive. And, in light of all the work (on the book) I did over the weekend I’m thinking maybe that’s ok. I wish I wasn’t so tired – and wish that the Esther tape in my head that says “thou shalt not take a nap” wasn’t playing. (And I wish I hadn’t stayed up so late to watch the Lewis Black special. Even though it was really funny.)

This winter is different. I think our Colorado climate is changing - we used to have lots of blue sky sun-filled days all throughout winter; now it seems more like the Midwest I left behind decades ago – a seemingly endless string of snow and grey.

I think I’m changing. My winter is different. It’s turning into the winter of my discontent; the winter of my upheaval.

My climate is changing, too. My blue sky sun-filled days are turning shades of grey. What used to be so clear is muddled.

Spring remains to be seen…

To Be or Not To Be - Sick

So I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling. That was just it – clearing the cobwebs of night from my head, opening my eyes and feeling – something’s not right. Or something’s not going to go well today. Nothing terrible, just a disruption of some kind. Uneasy.

I said I was trying to listen more to The Universe and the little pebbles it throws my way ~ before it has to resort to bricks. So whatever it is, I hope it presents itself to me early in the day so I can go on about my business. (There’s a controlling attitude for you, eh?)

Maybe I’m just one day deeper into the cold/flu I’ve been trying to pretend is not coming on for the last three days. I really don’t like being sick. I think it must be a control thing again – I just don’t like any downtime unless I’ve planned it ~ unless it is of my own choosing. And not allowing time for illness is kind of silly anyway, because it’s not like the Earth will stop rotating on its axis if I take a couple of days to lie around. Control and self-importance ~ hmmmm… now there’s a couple of traits to really be proud of.

On that note ~ off to make a cuppa’ tea and get ready to take Boo to the Vet. I’m hoping that my uneasy feeling has nothing to do with that scenario later this morning…

Snap Your Fingers.

Snap your fingers.

That’s how quickly it can happen. One second you’re here breathing. The next second you’re not. Like a sunrise. Come and gone in an instant.

I’ve been thinking much of the night about the life and death of someone I didn’t even know. And I only know her family (mother) in cyberspace. Yet, we have become friends over these mysterious waves and my heart is breaking for her. I honestly cannot imagine the pain of losing a child ~ no matter how old they are. It’s just not the way we see things in the life. The orderly manner in which we all grow old, parents leave us and children assume their position. Next?

When The Universe, God, whatever you want to call it has other plans, we’re not ready. It’s not how it is supposed to play out. We are caught off guard and life from that point on is one big question. Why?

This prompted the memory of another unexplainable loss, probably five or six years ago now. The sudden and tragic death of a beautiful 24 year old woman I watched grow up. (Ironically tomorrow is her birthday.) Her mother and I had been best friends for years. But as happens, our lives changed, we grew apart and lost touch over the years: what a sad event to bring us [temporarily] back together ~ her daughter’s funeral. And one thing my friend said I carry with me to this day:

“We are so arrogant to think we have control over anything.”

And then all kinds of things people have said over the years started flooding my mind last night. My cyberspace friend, deep in grief, reminded us of something that had been on her mind for the last week (and I know this for a fact because she blogged about it) ~ “Life is a gift.” Someone was definitely sending a message.

I thought about a friend who, in helping me cope with a recent problem, told me the way he views his life and how he has always tried to measure things is:

“If I’m at least 60% happy, I’m ok with that. I strive to increase that, but 60% is the cut-off. If it falls below that, something has to change.”

And I thought about all the things I’ve written in my journals over the years; blogged about in recent years. The books I’ve read; the therapists I’ve seen. It all really boils down to one thing.

You don’t have forever. This isn’t a dress rehearsal; this is it.

So, I’m thinking it’s time to start living life with intent. Intent to accomplish some of the goals I’ve had my entire life; see some of those places I want to see. Intent to live healthy and happy. Intent to be a good person. Intent to love more freely and be more tolerant. Relax. Have fun. Focus. Or not. Listen to the lessons that The Universe is sending my way; be aware. When those bricks hit my head, pay attention. Lighten up. Love myself and love the stuffings out of my friends and family.

It’s all sounding so incredibly trite, but it’s true.

Snap your fingers. Here. Gone.

Think of Good Things

I set out to write tonight about an upsetting news event – one that has tugged at my heartstrings for days. Two words. Meredith Emerson. But I think it’s wiser not to talk about it. No matter how much it is bothering me. I can’t change the events that have happened; I can’t change the world. And it is terribly sad.

So I’ll try to focus on some positive things.

Like I actually cleaned the fridge and pantry the other day. As happens every year, post-holiday both are cluttered with good intentions – neighbors stopping by with sweets and libations; family bringing too much of whatever they were assigned for the holiday meal; us over-buying for parties because we don’t want anyone to go hungry. Or thirsty. Lordie, lord. Excess abounds.

And as I am every January, I’m over excess. The first thing on my grocery list this week was fresh vegetables. I’ve been making salads every night. So as I opened the doors to the fridge and pantry respectively it was almost thrilling for me to drag out the trash can and start tossing. I feel a little guilty that some of it is probably still edible; but I assuaged my guilt this year by washing out every single glass and plastic container and depositing them in our recycling bins.

I just love seeing bare space in the fridge – clean glass shelves with food organized according to use. Freezer shelves the same. And the pantry! All the soups in one section; the beans in another. Breakfast items in one corner; baking supplies on the bottom shelf. Oils and vinegars next to the pastas and rice. My tea assortment over here. Those evil snacks (all except chocolate – it’s not evil) over to the side.

And all the labels – fridge, freezer and pantry - clearly facing out so they can be read. It bothers me when they are not. Why, yes… I totally understood Julia Robert’s husband in “Sleeping with the Enemy.” At least as far as the kitchen shelves and the bath towels went. Not so much the whole beating and wanting to kill her part.

So all is happy in my kitchen again.

At least until Easter.

I Resolve...

I used to make resolutions every year. Never kept ‘em. So I quit. For some reason, I feel like making some this year. And what has possessed me to publicly broadcast them is beyond me, but here we go.

1. Do one nice thing a day for my husband. It’s rather sad that this should even be a resolution, but after 16 years together (and the last two pretty much 24/7) one gets lazy and self-centered. I’m going to fix that.

2. Find a balance between the social butterfly who has emerged from her cocoon and the solitude that I need for my craft and my soul. Never thought that would be a problem for lone wolf me, but life does take strange twists.

3. Lose 5 lbs. Ha! You knew that one was coming. Losing weight was always on the list (isn’t it on everyone’s?), but I was never specific. Besides, I need to lose at least 10, so I’m splitting the difference hoping that perhaps by setting my sites lower (and more reasonably) I’ll actually be able to reach the goal. But first I need a cookie…

4. Get out there. By that I mean, marketing my images and my words. Which is a huge challenge seeing as how I’ve always sucked at self-promotion. And getting out there also means following thru on my intentions to actually meet some of my cyberspace friends in the flesh. Which is a huge challenge because it means putting my shy nature on the shelf. Shut up. I am shy.

5. Self publish at least two books, maybe more. I’ve had a book or two in me for years. It’s time. Because – duh – I’m not getting any younger.
(I’ve already started laying out the first one. Yay!)

6. Get thee to a beach!!! With cookies.

7. Speaking of cookies, start baking my own dog biscuits again. Everything I pick up in the store is made in China. Back on the shelf it goes. Nope. Not gonna’ do it. Not to my dog. God knows what's in them.

8. Grow my hair out. Again. Sheesh. I was doing so well there for awhile…

9. Give back. I know that's a very broad statement, but it's going to require a lot of thought as to how I'm going to do this. Living the Charmed Life as I do, it's long overdue.

10. Get a colonoscopy. I’m 53 and my doctor has been telling me since I turned 50 that it would be a good idea to get a baseline. O joy. Do I know how to have a good time or what?!

11. So on the heels of that last one ~~ be kinder to myself. I’m the Queen of brow-beating ~ no one beats me up like me. Which actually kind of falls into line with what I read earlier this morning in my “Horoscope for 2008.” It recommended my mantra for the year be “lighten up.” Seeing as how I’m a Scorpio ~~ and we all know how passionate and intense Scorpions are ~~ that’s going to be a challenge. But actually it makes sense. I just finished reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and soaked up so much inspiration from it; I think Elizabeth would endorse that mantra. I really am going to try to BE in the moment more. And along those same lines ~ be more myself. (I know what that means.)

So. There ya' go. I really was going to keep it to 10, but as you know, I can't do anything in a small way... I’ve got a couple more, but they’re private. One can’t blog about everything, ya’ know. Here's to an exciting and inspiring 2008! It's going to be a great ride...