Old Paths. New Thoughts.

This morning the little bundle of energy and I chose to drive into the park rather than hike in. I miss my time near the water (it’s quite a hike in to the lake from the house; it’s an 880 acre park, after all!). So as we drove into the park, my car just went on auto pilot and drove to the trailhead we used to hike several times a week. Although it has been exciting and fun to explore new paths, it felt good… natural… to be back on some familiar turf. And maybe that freed up my mind to let random thoughts enter.

As often happens, things come to me on my morning walk/hike like those little white Christmas tree lights that blink on and off and sometimes hit a round that stays on for awhile. Like the time about a week ago when I realized I was beyond happy; I was content. That was kind of a breakthrough of sorts for me.

This morning I had similar thoughts but they came in a different wave. For years I’ve indulged in what could be considered self-destructive habits. I used to smoke cigarettes, but wisely gave them up eight years ago. I have enjoyed my evening wine or champagne for a long time now. Not that I would consider myself a wino. Maybe a champagno, but not a wino. *wink* Funny, then, how after being in the new house, the new surroundings, for a mere two weeks, I’m not feeling the need for more than the occasional glass of wine. And then it’s just to bid the time till dinner is ready. My biggest vice these days is probably Ben & Jerry’s lowfat frozen yogurt. (Although that can be quite addictive…) Clearly when I was unhappy I felt like self-destructing. Clearly now I do not.

My days start very early (for me – not someone ever referred to as "a morning person") between 6:00 and 7:00. I was in the park at 7:15 this morning. It allows me at least an hour, sometimes two ~ to walk and think and capture beautiful images. There’s still always plenty to do at the new homestead and my days literally fly by. In fact, I have a hard time remembering what day it even is… It’s 9:00 pm now and I’m thinking it’s about time to call it a day (whatever day it is). Very unlike the girl who quite often put David Letterman to bed and sometimes even Conan because I didn’t want tomorrow to start.

Another bonus ~ I’ve rekindled my love of reading at night. I picked out three yumm-o recipes from Rachel Ray’s magazine last night and tried one tonight. Very yum. I’m about halfway thru “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion. It is about the sudden death of her husband and subsequent death of her only daughter. I'm not giving anything away here - you know that from page 1. It really makes me think… In one part she says that when she sees couples bickering it makes her angry. She wants to shake them and say, “You just don’t have enough time for this!”

It makes me think. Which works because my morning walks/hikes allow me time to reflect.

And so the circle is complete.

Awesome

In retrospect, it was totally stress and nerves that had me reacting as I did in my previous posting.

The first day in the new house I sold a print. In the week that followed, I’ve been notified by two publications that my work is in the running for an ad and a featured photograph. All this while stumbling over boxes, hastily hooking up my tower and printer and checking email sporadically at best. It’s exciting. And I believe good kharma. I’m meant to be in this space and I’ll be doing some good work here.

As for worrying about “not being worthy” of what I have… well, as I head out on my morning hike (it is quite often these days more than a “walk”) I subconsciously know I’m on a mission. I’ve been presented with the opportunity to photograph some of the best that nature has to offer. And it is literally at my doorstep. What a labor of love.

And it didn’t take me long to realize what I was feeling was more than mere happiness. I feel total and complete contentment. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that. It’s a nice feeling.

Much work yet to be done, but it is fun designing my new life in this beautiful space. I’m here for a reason and it is slowly unfolding and presenting itself to me. It just keeps getting better and better and better…

Life is better than good. Life is awesome.

What If...

On yet another sleepless night (I can’t remember the last time I slept thru a whole night) I found myself at 1:00 am staring at the ceiling, feeling my heart beat too fast and wondering when this is going to stop. I’m a tangle of emotions these days and I just want a level playing field again. The extreme ups and downs, I am finding, are not only taking a toll on me mentally, but now physically. I’m wandering thru my days (and nights) in a constant state of worry and exhaustion.

Part of me chastises myself for not appreciating what I’ve got. After years of waiting and yearning for it, I’m getting what I wanted ~ a beautiful new home in a beautiful new environment. And although it’s been several years, I’ve been down this “relocation” road before and I know that the work that seems endless now will, indeed, end in a few days (weeks) and life can resume once more. (I ache for my creative outlets so much in these crazy busy days and that does leave me feeling like half a person...) But what will life look like when it resumes?

I think perhaps part of the sleeplessness and worry is ~ now, it appears, I have everything I want. And as I always do in a case like that, I have this sense of impending doom. Maybe what I’m feeling physically isn’t just caused by worry and exhaustion (with a pinch of menopause thrown in); maybe it’s something more serious. Maybe I won’t get to enjoy that new home for long. I have felt that walking thru the house. That scares me. And what about the unspoken and sometimes even unfelt distance between us? Where will that lead? What have we evolved into? I feel a loss there that cannot be explained, but can be ignored.

Maybe it’s just fear of the unknown. Even though we are only moving a couple of miles away, the difference is night and day. How will it change me? What’s waiting out there? Will I finally be able to truly focus on some creativity and feel fulfilled? Can I finally just BE?

Or will I always be wandering thru the forest searching for the perfect path? The one perfect path that leads to eternal contentment and happiness… Or will I constantly be setting myself up for the exact opposite??