What If...
On yet another sleepless night (I can’t remember the last time I slept thru a whole night) I found myself at 1:00 am staring at the ceiling, feeling my heart beat too fast and wondering when this is going to stop. I’m a tangle of emotions these days and I just want a level playing field again. The extreme ups and downs, I am finding, are not only taking a toll on me mentally, but now physically. I’m wandering thru my days (and nights) in a constant state of worry and exhaustion. Part of me chastises myself for not appreciating what I’ve got. After years of waiting and yearning for it, I’m getting what I wanted ~ a beautiful new home in a beautiful new environment. And although it’s been several years, I’ve been down this “relocation” road before and I know that the work that seems endless now will, indeed, end in a few days (weeks) and life can resume once more. (I ache for my creative outlets so much in these crazy busy days and that does leave me feeling like half a person...) But what will life look like when it resumes?
I think perhaps part of the sleeplessness and worry is ~ now, it appears, I have everything I want. And as I always do in a case like that, I have this sense of impending doom. Maybe what I’m feeling physically isn’t just caused by worry and exhaustion (with a pinch of menopause thrown in); maybe it’s something more serious. Maybe I won’t get to enjoy that new home for long. I have felt that walking thru the house. That scares me. And what about the unspoken and sometimes even unfelt distance between us? Where will that lead? What have we evolved into? I feel a loss there that cannot be explained, but can be ignored.
Maybe it’s just fear of the unknown. Even though we are only moving a couple of miles away, the difference is night and day. How will it change me? What’s waiting out there? Will I finally be able to truly focus on some creativity and feel fulfilled? Can I finally just BE?
Or will I always be wandering thru the forest searching for the perfect path? The one perfect path that leads to eternal contentment and happiness… Or will I constantly be setting myself up for the exact opposite??
posted by Cindi @ 2:13 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Life is always a journey full of uncertainties but remember, cindi, only you can change you. Your surroundings may change but they can't change you unless you make the change.
Maybe a different path.
"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." Ralph Waldo Emerson
and
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science." Albert Einstein
Life is a mystery and maybe it's time for a new path. Keep in mind, though, that each day is a new day and a new day to begin anew, no matter how often we fall from that path we blaze.
Forgive the quotes and philosophy. Moving is never easy, even across town (been there, done that). You need some hugs... so {{hugs}}.
FWIW...moving (and new mortages, etc) are right at the top of the Top 10 things that cause stress in ones life. FWIW...you are probably also experiencing the "shoulda coulda" syndrome, ie, are we doing the right thing...will this improve my life...is it worth all the B.S.?
Hang in there, Cindi. It's just another day in paradise.
Skip
thanks you guys. even though we absolutely love the new house and we got an incredible deal (so no regrets there) its just stressful - and the saga building up to today was over the top (one contract falling thru at almost the last minute, etc.) i'll probably be singing a much different (and more positive!) tune by next week! :)
Gosh, my sweet dear Cindi. I can so relate to you. Not sure I can offer more wisdom than anyone else commenting, but just know that you are in my thoughts. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home