One of Those Aha! Moments

What is so interesting about life is that if you are truly aware you’re constantly learning things ~ even when you don’t realize it at the time. Sometimes it takes me a few hours (or days; ok, sometimes years) to have that “a-ha!” moment.

I had one today. As I typically do on the weekends, I had Food Network on in the background while I was doing some still life shots. This afternoon’s programming was more interesting than usual. They ran back to back episodes of “Chefography” ~ biographies of Food Network stars. Call me snoopy, but I like learning about people’s backgrounds; and surprisingly, a lot of these people have really fascinating ones. Inspiring, in fact.

The one “star” I didn’t know much about because I don’t really watch her show is Nigella Lawson. She’s that amazingly beautiful British woman with the huge brown eyes. She certainly has suffered more than her share of losses… first her mother at a very young age; her sister at a younger age and her husband, also at a young age. In hearing her story the one thing that stuck with me was something her mother said when learning of her terminal diagnosis. She said [paraphrasing], “Well, I finally feel I can eat anything I want.”

How sad, I thought. A few hours later I had my Aha! moment. I have food issues.

Because that would probably be my first reaction on hearing my life would end soon. I can finally eat all the fabulous comfort foods (mashed potatoes in abundance springs to mind) and all the desserts I deprive myself of (omg even just an ice cream cone would thrill me!). I can’t blame my Mom. Mom – aside from being the original green recycler – has also had incredibly healthy eating habits for as long as I can remember. She was never one to eat huge meals; she eats small, healthy bites of things (with a tiny bits of sweets thrown in for good measure) and slowly grazes throughout the day. This is the woman who is active and more alert than me; she'll be 89 in September. My Dad, on the other hand, was overweight for as long as I can remember. He developed diabetes – mostly because of his weight and unhealthy eating habits – and lived his last 20 years dealing with the consequences of that disease.

But I remember how my Mom struggled to get him to eat healthier and how he resisted. All the arguing. All the trips Dad made to the kitchen as soon as Mom went to bed to raid whatever cookies or cakes happened to be hiding. Yes, she hid them. Because Mom’s true love was baking. And she was very good at it. It was her way of relaxing after a day of raising five kids and working nights as a nurse. But she knew portion size before the media ever termed it that. Dad didn’t.

So although I never felt any real pressure growing up to watch my weight or eat healthy, I was very aware of food. And unlike my Dad, I watch the scale religiously. And I get blood tests every year to be sure my glucose level is in line. Because I have seen what it’s like to live with diabetes and insulin shots and I don’t ever want to go there.

That being said, I feel as though I’m postponing my life. I do love good food and I love the socialization that quite often goes with that. I feel as though I’m constantly depriving myself. I project my apprehensions and concerns about food and weight onto those around me. And that just leads to confrontations and bad feelings; or I end up harbouring those feelings and that’s not good either.

I am ruled by numbers ~ those numbers on the scale. And although my head knows it’s not about the numbers, it’s about just living a healthy life ~ I can’t seem to get past the numbers. And I know it’s not healthy ~ mentally or physically. And I just keep wondering… what will it take to shake me out of this mindset??

And wrapping it all up in a neat bow, I reflect on the Food Network stars I enjoy ~ Ina Garten and Paula Deen spring to mind; Nigella’s got beautiful curves, too. Why do I like them? Because they laugh all the time. They seem to literally and figuratively take a big bite out of life and just love every minute of it. They all have loving families and friends and spouses. They are all hugely successful doing what they love. And guess what? None of them are a perfect size 8.

Is there a lesson there? Or am I looking for excuses? Why do I think I should weigh the same as I did at 25? Or am I looking for excuses?