The Extraordinary Art of Just "Being"

Unless I’m planning to live to 104, more than half my life is over. I’m not being a downer; it’s just a fact. But it does give one pause… And maybe that’s why occasionally waking up at 4:30 am isn’t so bad. Some days I like to pack more in than others. Some days I relish starting the day snuggled under the down comforter, peeking out at the black as the snow drifts down and playing with words or images on this magic little machine called a laptop. It’s the best of both worlds ~ being awake and creatively producing, but never having to leave the comfort of the comforter. Working in ‘jammies was always a goal in my life and to have actually seen that come to fruition is, indeed, rewarding. Add in a snoring cat or dog curled up next to me and I’m one happy camper.

I’ve heard talk here and there lately (in the media mostly) about “Life Lists” – things people want to do before they die. I compiled lists like that for years, most often in the Januarys of my life. In the beginning they were called “new year’s resolutions;” now, if I do them at all I coin them as “goals” or more likely “dreams.” I think I stopped making those lists because I felt like such a failure if I didn’t fulfill them. And sometimes they just got boring because I had the same things listed every year… “lose weight; exercise more; quit smoking” – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

Age can be eye-opening. My way of thinking now is: if I didn’t complete something on my [life] list perhaps I didn’t really want to do it. Or I was just too lazy to follow thru. And I’m not a loser because I didn’t. Ask anyone who really knows me and they will confirm the fact that over the years I have been the Queen of Brow-beating, my own Worst Enemy, The Mistress of Self Deprecation. So to make a list every year which would just seem to reinforce the fact that I’m a loser eventually lost its charm.

I do sometimes think at the end of the day ~ what the hell did I do all day? But I am finally allowing myself to have days like that. Days when I’ve just had fun playing – or doing nothing. It took me a long time to give myself permission to have days like that. On other days (and I really try not to have too many of these) I do feel a sense of time running out – and there’s so much to be seen and done before I say goodbye.

But for now I’ll linger just a bit longer in the warmth of my blankets, savor the quiet as I gaze out at winter’s ballet and be grateful for slowly unfolding days like this.