One Empty Chair...

I haven’t blogged in ages for two reasons:

1) I’ve been very busy living life and
2) I have had nothing noteworthy to say

Until now.

When I was 13 years old, Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated. The injustice of it all saddened me and touched me so deeply that I wrote a lengthy essay and compiled a book of newspaper clippings. It wasn’t a school assignment – it was June for cryin’ out loud. And I was 13. It wasn’t a requirement.

I did it because I needed some place to take my grief.

I feel that need again. Tim Russert died suddenly last week and I was in left shock; wondering why such a good man in his prime would be taken. He was a man I greatly admired – for his intelligence, his humour, but most of all - his integrity. That’s not a quality we find in society much these days.

Tim was a fixture in the newscasts I follow. A tough interviewer? Yes. A brilliant man? Yes. But what touched me? His warmth as a human being. His integrity came thru – you could just see it in his manner, his fairness, his love of family, his faith, his generous spirit… I loved his enthusiasm for life. He took a big ol’ bite out of life. And I so love anyone who does that.

I will miss him particularly in this political season. I remember him saying after the Super Bowl in January of 2008, “Well, MY Super Bowl is just beginning!” It will not be the same without him…

Tim Russert set the bar high.

And he makes me want to be a better person.

Thanks for listening. Because 40 years later - eerily almost to the day -- I needed some place to take my grief…

To Life...

It was an ordinary Tuesday night.

Except we were witnessing the signing of wills ~ those of good friends, drawn up by another good friend (who in this story just happens to be the attorney). We, of course, made it light and breezy ~ glasses of chardonnay, a vodka tonic or two, scotch on the rocks; a nice camembert, sliced apples and chocolates completed the table. We’re all in our 50’s and good health, so it was just a matter of signing on the dotted line so to speak, with conversations of our busy days floating around the room. We didn’t give a lot of thought to what was really taking place here.

Until Mark said, “Ok. Let’s go around the table and answer some questions. Do you want to be cremated or buried and why? And if you want to be cremated, where do you want your ashes spread and why?”

The room became silent as we all gave those serious questions some thought. O, yeah. What we’re gathered here for is serious. Life. And Death. Life. And what follows.

Eventually answers formed. They held hands and made their way around the table. There were some light moments and some laughter ~ even a couple of song lyrics and tunes bantered about ~ but in the end we shared fears and resignations; beliefs and hopes. Eight people who grew up in the Midwest, the South, the East, and the Northwest ~ all as varied as we were the same.

What do I carry with me from that night? The importance of friendship. How friends really do double your joy and divide your grief. What’s important in life. Family. Friends. Living one’s life with purpose. Remembering to have fun. Caring about something enough to sacrifice for it. Spending my days well ~ and defining my days in my way. To quote Richard Carlson ~ “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” And, you know what? In the big scheme of things, there’s a lot of small stuff.

Mark said, “Come on over around 7:15 for a will-signing party.”

It was so much more.

In the Zone

Life is returning to normal. The chaos that has been our lives the last 5 weeks is finally settling into a routine. A different routine for sure for the folks, but they are troopers and are proving to be quite determined and resilient after surviving a car accident that should have killed at least one of them. Never underestimate the importance of airbags…

So now it’s time to get my routine and my goals back in line. Motivation. Inspiration. First step is getting back to my morning reads on just those topics. It’s time to get back in the zone. I have two books to market. I have one I abruptly abandoned half finished.

And the seed for another that’s been planted and slowly starting to sprout. I’ve had the idea to write a book about my Mom – her life in general, but really focusing on how she is the original Green Recycler – the original Green Energy Saver. You see, she came of age during the Great Depression, one of eight children in a poor immigrant farming family. Believe me, they knew how to make a dollar stretch! And my Mom carried those habits into her own family. And I grew up thinking everyone wrote notes from the bottom of the page up, tearing small bits off at a time ~ all to make one page of paper last a loooong time. See? She’s a wealth of incredible and very original conservation methods.

My siblings and I are also waiting for her to finish writing her life’s story so we can incorporate some photos and self publish a little book for her 90th Birthday in September. Perhaps mine will be a little add-on from me.

Yup, time to get back in the zone. And stop eating cookies.

funkytown

It’s a grey morning with rain/snow in the sky. It’s April but it feels like January. You know those days of deep winter when it feels as though it will forever be grey and gloomy. But it’s ok. It suits me today.

I do believe I’m in a funk. I used to be funky (and I don’t mean strangely cool) quite a bit. I changed my attitude, however, a few years ago and spunky may be more applicable to my personality lately. (Although spunky is a stoopid word.) Something about growing into my 5th decade made me realize that waking up every morning was a good thing. A blessing, really. And perhaps it would be a good idea to celebrate that, rather than bemoan it.

But, not being perfect and not living in a perfect world, every once in awhile I take a tumble from the spunky wagon. Sometimes I like waking up and sitting in bed with the ceiling fan softly whirring, making me cold ~ which suits me right now, too. Furball the cat curled up at the foot of the bed giving me attitude. It’s ok. I totally understand. My journal beside me unopened and unwritten. “The Energy Bus” by Jon Gordon lying next to that, unopened as well. I don’t have the energy to have an infusion of positiveness right now. I’m hungry (having not eaten properly yesterday), but don’t want to eat this early before my morning hike (the reward for exercise always being a decent breakfast upon return). In fact, I don’t feel like a hike this morning. That would require getting out of bed.

I guess in light of the emotional and traumatic month we’ve been thru it’s not surprising to find Ms. Moody crawling under my skin and setting up household for awhile. Just hope it’s not long. January and February found me in an unusually creative and productive frame of mind. I was shocked. Those are the greyest of grey months. But then it was as if March blew in and set about putting me in my proper winter space. How dare I be so arrogant to think I could escape the winter greys?! Relationships are strained; life as we know it is changing; priorities realigned; every day holds some kind of a question mark...

So I’ll wear this cloak of belated bad temper for just a bit. But not too long. As Stella did, I need to get my groove back. My positive, happy, love-of-life groove. Because without it creativity stops. And my smile stops. And joy stops. And life's energy stops. And without that, breathing stops.

And I’ve grown rather fond of breathing…

Therapy

I have found over the last couple of days that I can’t concentrate on any serious work, so I spent yesterday caring for my indoor garden ~ my house plants. Which is something I love to do but don’t take time for often enough. It’s the next best thing to tending my outdoor garden of flowers in the summer.

Today I hadn’t planned it but I just naturally migrated to the kitchen. I baked lemon cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. I baked snickerdoodle cookies. And because poor Boo kept thinking every time I opened the oven it might be something for her and her neighborhood buddies, I baked these peanut butter dog biscuits. In the shape of bunny rabbits of course because that’s what the dogs in the ‘hood like to chase. (They’re all on leashes, so it’s basically a tease.)

Half way thru the cookies I realized what I’d been doing the last two days. I was connecting with my Mom.

Things since the accident have been very tense. Each day holds a new drama and all of it is unnecessary. Of course it's going to take awhile, but the folks are coming along fine. It’s The Others. (You all watch LOST.)

So I realized I was doing things that would connect me in a comforting way with my Mom. My Mom has always led a busy life, but two of the things she has always tried to make time for were tending to her flowers and baking. I’m no psychologist, but I really think I unconsciously entered into activities that brought me comfort. And they were comforting to me because I can see my Mom doing them. And that always meant home to me.

I feel better. The next thing you know I’ll be bringing out my sewing machine. (She’s an awesome seamstress…) Thanks, Mom.

What's Your Sign?

So this may sound a little crazy, but I do believe in staying true to myself ~ slightly crazy.

I read my horoscope in two places every morning. In case you missed it, that’s the crazy part. I’m a Scorpio, btw, and we’re quite the interesting bunch. I just Googled it.

·We are not social butterflies. Aha! That explains why I describe myself as a lone wolf. And what a relief! I adore being a Lone Wolf. We actually prefer being alone because we like to be in charge and if we’re alone there’s no question of who’s in charge. Yikes. That’s harsh…
·We have an excellent memory, but that can be a double-edged sword as we don’t let go of things easily ~ however, that can be positive as well because we remember a kindness forever and will repay that time and time again.
·Honesty is a priority for us. Just ask my husband. Or my kids.
·We are ambitious, persistent and determined. You would think I would have done more with my life by now…
·We don’t give trust easily. Just ask my husband. Or my kids.
·We love intensely. Just ask my husband. Or my kids. Maybe even my friends.
·We are not game players. Just ask my husband. Period.
·We are passionate. Period.
·We are driven by emotions. Sorry.
·We are intense. Sorry again.
·We are loyal, but jealous and possessive. Two things not to be proud of.
·We are observant (helloooo total visual learner and observer of life; not to mention my love of cameras)
·We are fiercely independent. I like that.
·We are tenacious. That can be good and bad.
·We are intuitive. Just ask my kids.
·We are emotional. Just ask my husband.
·We are the most misunderstood of all astrological signs. Is that supposed to make me feel better?
·We are constantly seeking our purpose in life. Tell me something I don’t know. But in a strange way, that’s comforting to know I’m on a path I’m supposed to be on.

So, ummm… yeah. When I Googled all that it was intriguing, but a little scary. Scary because that’s me ~ all the good and bad of me. Yikes.

But what I started out to say was, I read my horoscope in two places every day and it really does blow me away how close to my day to day life they seem to come. Not that I live my life by it, but I do find it curiously interesting. And I’ve always kind of been happy to be a Scorpio. The intensity is hard to live with sometimes, but it’s never, ever boring!

And, actually, I’ve been struggling with some stuff in the last week and gaining this information (if you think its all crap ~ sorry); I’m actually finding some solace in this little interpretation of my personality. In a weird way, it’s helping me to lighten up on myself a little. (Did it say any place in there that Scorpios are terribly hard on themselves and experts at brow-beating?)

So what’s your sign? I’d love to know. Blog about it!

M.I.A.

O, yeah. I have a blog. I forgot.

I’ve been kinda’ busy. Published one book. Then another (awaiting the prototype ~ and the magpie factors in big time on that one). Working on a third. Researching printers to reproduce all locally. Had family in town for 2 weeks ~ which was a blast, but kept me very busy. More family coming into town this weekend ~ may or may not take some time. I’m supposed to be working on another site for my photography, etc. on Smug Mug, but I keep forgetting that, too.

Sheesh. I guess I have nothing profound to say. I’m still here. Still sick of winter. We’ve been lucky to have a few 60 degree days spattered here and there this month. Boo Boo and I have even been able to visit the park again (see above). I finally scheduled my colonoscopy; it won’t happen for about 6 weeks, but it’s out there. I feel relieved that I’ve committed to a date and time. Now I just have to do it. And once it’s over I know I’ll be glad I did.

As I write, it’s snowing and the sun’s out. Go figure. I’m excited to turn the calendar in a few days. March is a long, snowy month (the snowiest month in Colorado’s winter/spring), but at least we’re one month closer to summer.

And then I can complain about it being too hot.