It All Started With The Water...

“Will you get me a glass of water?”

“What?”

“A glass of water, please,” I whispered as I slowly blinked myself awake.

To no one in particular ~ the dog, the cat, the air ~ He exclaimed in his dramatic way as only he can exclaim, “Did you hear that? She asked me to do something! She actually asked for help!”

A tiny little light bulb began to flicker in my head. Gez, is it really such a big deal I asked him to do something for me? It’s just a glass of water. He brought the water, kissed my forehead and the day began as my sleepy eyes opened.

But as it did and they did and I became more conscious with each sip, I realize it wasn’t just a glass of water. I had actually asked for help. Admitted I couldn't (or didn't want to) do it myself. And he was happy to be there. I was learning something new about myself. It’s not only hard for me to ask for help, it’s almost impossible. It’s not even something I think about; I just don’t ask.

And because I missed my calling as a psychologist, I began to analyze why. And, of course, everything is always traced back to our childhood and how we were parented. I’m more like my mom than I realize and would like to admit. Possessing some of her traits isn’t all bad. At 89 she is one of the most active, energetic, positive, cheerful people I know – of any age. But she spent her life caring for others – five kids and a husband who – let’s just say – wasn’t the most willing participant in his marriage, his family or life in general. She was also a nurse and church volunteer. You get the picture. She has always taken care of everyone, is in charge and does little for herself.

Although I am more selfish than my mother (I do treat myself and enjoy a nice life), I’m seeing that I’m more stubbornly independent than I’ve realized – fiercely so. Asking for help… isn’t that a sign of weakness? Admitting that I can’t do it all myself? And I’m beyond “picky;” I’m a damned perfectionist, bordering on OCD. Let’s just say Monk is a kindred spirit… And my mom’s words echo in my head as they fall into my thoughts ~~ “It’s just easier to do it myself.” Surrender control to someone else? Wow. That’s huge…

So this whole asking for help thing ~ new to me. It’ll take some practice, but I might be able to do it.

As long as it’s done my way.